Page 25 of 25 FirstFirst ... 15202122232425
Results 721 to 749 of 749

Thread: Jokes

  1. #721
    AUF Full Member - A #@^&% load of posts!! (6500+) nurfman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Perth, Western Australia
    Posts
    6,971
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    nurfman
    XBLA
    nurfman11

    Default

    Appoligies to our english bruvers , im a cuff rate pom myself (my dad and brother are english) so i post this tounge in cheek!!!!!

    Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?

    A. A laughing stock.


    Q What's the height of optimism?

    A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.


    Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?

    A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.


    Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

    A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.


    Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

    A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.


    Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?

    A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.


    Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?

    A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

  2. #722
    Dude ... where's my M16?
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    84
    Clan
    ANZC
    PSN
    AHideousThing
    XBLA
    Mr Worry

    Default

    I made this one up yesterday. I don't think I'd heard it before.

    Why couldn't Melanie Griffith go into the pub?
    Because Antonio Banderas.

  3. #723
    AUF Full Member - The 6th Dimension (6000+) Stonemull's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Gold Coast Hinterland
    Posts
    6,324
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Stonemull
    XBLA
    not sure

    Default

    lol. I like it..


    I made one up the other day too, based on observation of the chooks.. considering crossing the road ..

    Why did the chicken cross the road ?

    Cause chickens are really fucking stupid.

    (have considered renaming the Black and Brown ones to Burke and Wills)





    Not as noisy as Des

  4. #724
    AUF Full Member - GUN PRON PRONE (3000+)
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    3,258
    Clan
    .
    PSN
    Tallpaul77
    XBLA
    -

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AHideousThing View Post
    I made this one up yesterday. I don't think I'd heard it before.

    Why couldn't Melanie Griffith go into the pub?
    Because Antonio Banderas.
    Haha, here's a similar one...

    Why did the supermodel get pregnant?

    Max Factor.


    Sent from my iPhone using AUF Forums mobile app

  5. #725
    AUF Friend - My Best Friend Girlfriends Sister (500+) ImDaRAD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    In the hills near Brisbane
    Posts
    3,780
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    ImDaRAD
    XBLA
    ಠ_ಠ

    Default

    Terrible Dad joke here



  6. #726
    AUF Full Member - Atttttennnnhutt! (5500+) TheHotHead's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Perth
    Posts
    5,697
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    TheHotHead
    XBLA
    .

    Default

    Found some crackers and wanted to share them.. They are pretty rude though so i'll spoiler them haha



    All hail the Bumblerine
    Repercuss > Harold > You

    Sw3Et_07: "The grind is dark and full of terrors..."


    The Phenomenal Four <3

  7. #727
    AUF Full Member - The 6th Dimension (6000+) Stonemull's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Gold Coast Hinterland
    Posts
    6,324
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Stonemull
    XBLA
    not sure

    Default

    I don't get the child brutality one..
    is it missing a punchline ?



    Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?




    Swarm



    Officially an old fart

  8. #728
    AUF Full Member - The Post Whore of Babble-Ion (4000+) keppida's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Deception Bay Qld
    Posts
    4,027
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Keppida/desjosie
    XBLA
    whats Live?

    Default

    What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    The wheelchair

  9. #729
    AUF Friend - Still long way to go hobo... (175+)
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    195
    Clan
    .
    PSN
    luke_kingswood
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default

    An old couples sex life was non existent,so they decided to spice things up a bit.They decided to spend a day hanging out in the house together starkas to see if it would relight the old urge.At breakfast they both sat at the table ,having a chat naked as the day they were born...the old duck decides to make the first move and says..."You know what darling,my nipples are as hot for you today as they were the day we married!"The old guy nearly chokes on his weetbix and replies..."So they bloody well should be!....ones hanging in your coffee and the other ones in your porridge!

  10. #730
    AUF Friend - Still long way to go hobo... (175+)
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    195
    Clan
    .
    PSN
    luke_kingswood
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default


  11. #731
    AUF Full Member - Levelled Urrrrp (100+) Arlo_007's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    191
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Arlo_007
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default

    ^Hahahahaha!

    How do you make a plumber cry?
    .




































































































    Kidnap his family.

  12. #732
    AUF Full Member - Pave My Way With BLOOD (2500+) Smokin_Icarus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    2,890
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Smokin_Icarus

    Default

    I don't get it


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

  13. #733
    AUF Friend - Still long way to go hobo... (175+)
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    195
    Clan
    .
    PSN
    luke_kingswood
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default

    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

    Wiremu, a New Zealander, was living in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey.""What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer."Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls.""Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me

    Sorry spamming the thread guys, Trying to get my big boy tags.

    Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?Johnny: Seven, Sir .Teacher: No, listen carefully . . . If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?Johnny: Seven, Sir .Teacher: Let me put it to you differently . If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?Johnny: Six .Teacher: Good . Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?A very angry Johnny: Because, . . . . I've already got a f****n' cat!!!
    Last edited by Chiips; 06-07-2014 at 06:21 PM. Reason: triple post :D Nice try Luke

  14. #734
    AUF Full Member - Dual Post-Millenium Man (2000+) Taperooster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    2,442
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Taperooster
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default

    Lol you do realise your last 3 posts here shall be mergesd an count as one No harm in trying though. We have all been there

  15. #735
    AUF Friend - Still long way to go hobo... (175+)
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    195
    Clan
    .
    PSN
    luke_kingswood
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default

    Ah well I could only try..


  16. #736
    AUF Full Member - Middle Distance Man (1500+) jackal_84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North East Victoria
    Posts
    1,982
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    jackal_84
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default

    What's the downside to being a pedophile?



    You've got to be in bed by 7:30.

  17. #737
    AUF Full Member - Levelled Urrrrp (100+) Arlo_007's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    191
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Arlo_007
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default


  18. #738
    AUF Full Member - GUN PRON PRONE (3000+)
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    3,258
    Clan
    .
    PSN
    Tallpaul77
    XBLA
    -

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jackal_84 View Post
    What's the downside to being a pedophile?



    You've got to be in bed by 7:30.
    ROLF

    Ahhh mean ROFL!

  19. #739
    AUF Full Member - The Post Whore of Babble-Ion (4000+) keppida's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Deception Bay Qld
    Posts
    4,027
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Keppida/desjosie
    XBLA
    whats Live?

    Default

    Attachment 1895


    Check out my ps4 bf4 server... "The Playroom"

  20. #740
    AUF Friend - Still long way to go hobo... (175+)
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    195
    Clan
    .
    PSN
    luke_kingswood
    XBLA
    N/A

    Default

    An Amish mother and her family had to travel into the city and while there her fifteen year old son and her Husband wandered into the local shopping mall. The boy and his father were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.**The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'.

  21. #741
    AUF Full Member - Progressing thru Pain (400+) abey17's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    413
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    abey17
    XBLA
    abey17

    Default

    I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

    ---

    I was in in the public restroom
    I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
    "Hi, how are you?"
    Me: (embarrassed) " Doin' fine!"
    Stall: "So what are you up to?"
    Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
    Stall: "Can I come over?"
    Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
    Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

    ---

    Police: Where do you live?
    Me: With my parents.
    Police: Where does your parents live?
    Me: With me.
    Police: Where do you all live?
    Me: Together.
    Police: Where is your house?
    Me: Next to my neighbours house.
    Police: Where is your neighbours house?
    Me: If i tell you, you won't believe me.
    Police: Tell me.
    Me: Next to my house.
    Last edited by abey17; 09-07-2015 at 03:53 PM.

  22. #742
    Great Balls! AUF Full Member - Ten F*&$#%kin Thousand Muthas!! (10,000+) Chiips's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    10,458
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Chiips

    Default

    What should you do when surrounded by a group of angry clowns?


    Sigs credit to SmilingLocoOtis



    Interested in joining
    --> START HERE

  23. #743
    AUF Full Member - Pave My Way With BLOOD (2500+) murph_BTK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Ya mothers panties
    Posts
    2,562
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    murph_BTK
    XBLA
    tnuca

    Default

    Hear about the magician who performed at a gay club?? Hear he disappeared with a poof

    Sent from my SM-G920I using Tapatalk

  24. #744
    AUF Full Member - Levelled Urrrrp (100+) Jaybulz86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Brisbane, QLD
    Posts
    145
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Jaybulz86
    XBLA
    Jaybulz86

    Default

    In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, England decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Australia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of 5 slabs, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

    Sent from my SM-G920I using Tapatalk

  25. #745
    AUF Full Member - Levelled Urrrrp (100+) Jaybulz86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Brisbane, QLD
    Posts
    145
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Jaybulz86
    XBLA
    Jaybulz86

    Default

    Do*you know why Helen Keller masterbated with only one hand.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    She used the other one to moan.

    Sent from my SM-G920I using Tapatalk

  26. #746
    AUF Leader & Founder AUF Full Member - Ten F*&$#%kin Thousand Muthas!! (10,000+) Snickersma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
    Posts
    14,101
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Snickersma (MW2)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jaybulz86 View Post
    In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, England decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Australia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of 5 slabs, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

    Sent from my SM-G920I using Tapatalk
    Good one Lmao!

  27. #747
    AUF Full Member - Halfway Glory-Hound (5000+) Smajs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    5,102
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Smajs

    Default

    Two guys are sitting on a corner staring at a dog, the dog starts licking himself.

    first guy says:
    'Man, I wish I could do that'

    other guy takes out his hand from his pocket, shows two fingers missing.
    'I wouldn't, that dog bites'

  28. #748
    AUF Full Member - Base Install
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Ourimbah NSW
    Posts
    55
    Clan
    Clan
    PSN
    pocketwhat
    XBLA
    Not active now ... picket what

    Default

    Went to the shops this morning bought a litre of milk for 2.20 paid with a twenty dollar note the young girl asked if I had anything smaller I said no just a twenty ... She started grumbling about using up all her change... Just as she'd finished counting out the 17.80 change I said you know what ill just pay by card... This infuriated her slightly so she dumped the change back into the till... Any cash out she growled .... Yeah 17.80 thanks

  29. #749
    AUF Full Member - Halfway Glory-Hound (5000+) Smajs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    5,102
    Clan
    AUF
    PSN
    Smajs

    Default

    Poker?
    I hardly know her...

    wah wah wah waaah!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •