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Thread: Jokes

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    Default Jokes

    robbie williams, celine dion and elton john are walking down the road when suddenly celine dion trips and gets her head stuck between some iron railings, quick as a flash robbie williams pulls down her knickers and fucks her, after hes finished he turns to elton john........"ok...your turn" he says,
    elton john then suddenly bursts into tears......
    "whats wrong" asks robbie..........
    "iŽll never get my head through those bars" replies elton john



    My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.
    She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.
    She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.
    She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick."
    I said, "How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"
    Stupid cow.


    The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
    I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
    She said, "You watch porn."
    Bitch.


    I saw Count Down yesterday.
    He's Dracula's spastic brother


    A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting.
    He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck hunting with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back."
    The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?"
    The wife says: "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."
    She gets started and then pulls back with choking and gagging: "Jesus, you taste like shit."
    "Yeah," he replies, "the dog didn't want to go duck huntin' either."

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    AUF Full Member - Pave My Way With BLOOD (2500+) murph_BTK's Avatar
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    A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

    A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

    The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

    She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

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    AUFs bearded Norse Mod AUF Full Member - It's all true .. this person is an AUF-god (15,000+) Locoevo's Avatar
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    How are women and tornadoes alike?

    They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.



    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

    "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

    "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

    Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

    "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

    "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."



    ORGASM TYPES

    Sex in a boat = Oargasms
    Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
    Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
    Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
    Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
    Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
    Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
    Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
    Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
    Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
    Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
    Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
    Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
    Sex while broke = Poorgasms
    Sex with a lion = Roargasms
    Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
    Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
    Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
    Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
    Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
    Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
    Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
    Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
    Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
    Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
    Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
    Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
    Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
    Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
    Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
    Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
    Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
    Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
    Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
    Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
    Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
    Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
    Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
    Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
    Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
    Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
    Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
    Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
    Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
    Sex while flying = Soargasms
    Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
    Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
    Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
    Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
    Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
    Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
    Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
    Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
    Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
    Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
    Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
    Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
    Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
    Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
    Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
    Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
    Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
    Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
    Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
    Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
    Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
    Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
    Sex without a climax = Nogasms
    CLICK ON MY MANBOOBS TO JOIN AUF

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    Quote Originally Posted by Joshizzled View Post
    robbie williams, celine dion and elton john are walking down the road when suddenly celine dion trips and gets her head stuck between some iron railings, quick as a flash robbie williams pulls down her knickers and fucks her, after hes finished he turns to elton john........"ok...your turn" he says,
    elton john then suddenly bursts into tears......
    "whats wrong" asks robbie..........
    "iŽll never get my head through those bars" replies elton john



    My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.
    She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.
    She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.
    She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick."
    I said, "How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"
    Stupid cow.


    The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
    I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
    She said, "You watch porn."
    Bitch.


    I saw Count Down yesterday.
    He's Dracula's spastic brother


    A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting.
    He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck hunting with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back."
    The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?"
    The wife says: "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."
    She gets started and then pulls back with choking and gagging: "Jesus, you taste like shit."
    "Yeah," he replies, "the dog didn't want to go duck huntin' either."
    LOL that last one was an absolute pissa

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    The hypnotist


    I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

    He hypnotized seven men then accidentally dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled,
    “Fuck me!!”

    ….what happened next, will haunt me forever!!






    ***

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    Dude ... where's my M16? ikilledyou77's Avatar
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    Default Jokes

    i was wondering who has any good jokes. i haven't herd a half decent joke in quite a while so lets see who can cause the biggest laugh
    My mother did drugs - hard-liquor, cigarettes, and speed
    The baby came out - disfigured, ligaments indeed
    It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
    Don't dare make fun of that baby cause that baby was me

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    Haha blast from the past thread, I bought my girlfriend subway the other day and she goes, " you bought me a footlong I can't eat that much" and I said "you managed last night".

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    Quote Originally Posted by Joshizzled View Post
    Haha blast from the past thread, I bought my girlfriend subway the other day and she goes, " you bought me a footlong I can't eat that much" and I said "you managed last night".
    That is a great joke, shame it's on you.
    CLICK ON MY MANBOOBS TO JOIN AUF

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    A wife turns to her husband while watching tv and says "did you hear that? A bull has sex 3000 times a year, why don't you please me anymore?"

    The husband looks up from his newspaper and says "because that bull isn't rooting the same miserable old cow every night"

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    Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said, "I'll give U a $100 if U'll let me have sex with U." The girl looked at him shocked & said "Hell no!" He said "I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, U bend over to get it, & I'll be finished by the time U've picked it up!" She thought for a moment & told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him & explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, & he won't even be able to get his pants down!" She agreed & accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by & the boyfriend is still waitin for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls & asks, "What the fuck happened?" Still breathin hard she managed to reply, "That bastard had all QUARTERS!!!!"

    Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

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    Dear People of Australia ,

    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
    economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
    workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
    will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
    for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
    SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
    RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
    deems appropriate.

    Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
    Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
    Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
    be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT
    (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
    has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should
    you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
    attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
    SHIT you can handle.

    Yours Sincerely

    Julia Gillard

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    AUF Full Member - Paid in FULL! (1000+) magpieonya's Avatar
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    20 reasons why Fishing is better than S E X


    #20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

    #19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

    #18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

    #17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

    #16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

    #15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

    #14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

    #13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

    #12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

    #11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

    #10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

    #9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

    #8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

    #7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment

    #6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

    #5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

    #4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

    #3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

    #2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

    #1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week - Is Fishing all You ever think about!"

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    A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local Timber mill.
    The manager calls the blind man into his office
    and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.

    The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him
    and places a piece of wood in front of him.
    The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies,

    "That's a good piece of fir."
    "Correct," says the manager,

    now try this one."
    "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
    "Correct," answers the manager.

    With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man.
    He got his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

    "I'm confused,"says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
    The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

    The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me!
    But I know exactly what kind of wood that is.

    It's the shit house door off a tuna boat

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    Pain of a married man

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

    She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

    The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

    "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

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    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
    Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

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    DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do.. you... understand? "


    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


    " Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

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    AUF Full Member - Paid in FULL! (1000+) magpieonya's Avatar
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    Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.


    "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
    "I could eat," said Seymour.


    The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.


    The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."
    Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.


    The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."


    "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it really pay to cook?"

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    So 1. they are lonely and 2, they eat shit food? i know where i would rather end up..

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    AUF Full Member - Paid in FULL! (1000+) magpieonya's Avatar
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    This is probably back in the early ancient, dark ages times... ya know, before we had TV.

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    Quote Originally Posted by magpieonya View Post
    This is probably back in the early ancient, dark ages times... ya know, before we had TV.
    I still don't get it....

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    AUF Full Member - Paid in FULL! (1000+) magpieonya's Avatar
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    How about this one?

    Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
    She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
    The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
    Ed has been missing since Friday.

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    A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
    Last edited by magpieonya; 29-05-2012 at 09:04 PM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by magpieonya View Post
    Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.


    "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
    "I could eat," said Seymour.


    The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.


    The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."
    Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.


    The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."


    "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it really pay to cook?"
    LMAO!! That's a good one I genuinely LOLed at that



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  24. #24
    Super Moderator AUF Full Member - The Post Whore of Babble-Ion (4000+) themonkeysmiles's Avatar
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    Adam was walking in the garden of Eden one day and felt the stirrings of loneliness when he saw the animals all had a partner.
    Looking up into heaven he called on God, "God", he said, "i am lonely, all the animals have a partner, I am the only one here alone."
    God looked down on Adam and took pity on him.
    "Tell me what you want in a partner Adam". Boomed the mighty voice of God.
    Adam though on this for a while and replied. "Almighty God, I would like a woman who will love me unconditionally. Someone who will not lie to me, who will care for me and who will appreciate my love for them. I would like someone who is sweet and kind, beautiful to my eyes and also loves herself as I do".
    "Adam", says God, "this I can provide, but it will cost you an arm and a leg".
    Adam thinks about this for a few moments,comes to a conclusion and replies, "What can I get for a rib".

    WaRD special consultant..

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    AUF Full Member - Middle Distance Man (1500+) Fluxburner's Avatar
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    haha nice 1 SM that reminds me of this joke which follows on quite well with that theme about god and the fairer sex.

    Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

    Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

    God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

    Arthur said, "Yes, that's me."

    God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"



    God said, "Yes."

    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...
    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...
    5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

    "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

    God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

    "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

  26. #26
    AUF Full Member - Paid in FULL! (1000+) magpieonya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smilingmonkey View Post
    Adam was walking in the garden of Eden one day and felt the stirrings of loneliness when he saw the animals all had a partner.
    Looking up into heaven he called on God, "God", he said, "i am lonely, all the animals have a partner, I am the only one here alone."
    God looked down on Adam and took pity on him.
    "Tell me what you want in a partner Adam". Boomed the mighty voice of God.
    Adam though on this for a while and replied. "Almighty God, I would like a woman who will love me unconditionally. Someone who will not lie to me, who will care for me and who will appreciate my love for them. I would like someone who is sweet and kind, beautiful to my eyes and also loves herself as I do".
    "Adam", says God, "this I can provide, but it will cost you an arm and a leg".
    Adam thinks about this for a few moments,comes to a conclusion and replies, "What can I get for a rib".
    hahaha reminds me of this one...

    A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways,I will grant you one wish."

    The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

    God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,"God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    God replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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    AUF Full Member - Middle Distance Man (1500+) Fluxburner's Avatar
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    HEHE thats very funny 2 or 4 lanes. Love it!

    TO MAKE A BABY.....

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
    father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
    Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man
    should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
    happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
    Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

    "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
    expecting you."

    "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
    babies are my specialty?"

    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
    seat".

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
    couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
    is fun. You can really spread out there."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
    me!"

    "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
    several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
    you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

    "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
    and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

    "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
    baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

    "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
    mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
    done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
    look"

    "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
    The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
    concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
    Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
    pack it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
    uh...equipment?"

    "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
    we can get to work right away."

    "Tripod?"

    "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
    big to be held in the hand very long."

    Mrs. Smith fainted
    Last edited by Fluxburner; 30-05-2012 at 12:48 AM.

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    AUF Full Member - Paid in FULL! (1000+) magpieonya's Avatar
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    Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

    His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"


  29. #29
    AUF Full Member - Paid in FULL! (1000+) magpieonya's Avatar
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    A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow.

    To keep the tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

    The Police were called in to break up the fight, and the following week all members of both families appeared in court.Ronny, the best man, stood up and asked to speak first "Judge," he said, "I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

    The Judge agreed and Ronny took the stand and began by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

    "OK," says the Judge, "so what was the problem?"

    "Well", continued Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going; so I continued dancing to the second song.

    After that the music just kept going and we were still dancing to the third song when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs".

    Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" he said

    "HURT!" Ronny replies "Broke three of my fingers!"


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    It was the morning of Mrs Jones' 40th b'day, but instead of being woken up with breakfast in bed as was customary she rolled over and all she found was an envelope. Inside was a letter that read "Good morning honey happy b'day sorry I had to leave early this morning big day at work. I also dropped all the kids at school so you could have a sleep in. Your present has been arranged for you all you need to do is arrive at the offices of Dr. Cheung at 10:45 and all will be explained to you their. You also have a booking at your favorite restaraunt at 12:30 enjoy your day and can't wait to try out your present tonight. Love Peter."
    So at precisely 10:45 Mrs Jones arrived at the offices of Dr. Cheung walked inside and was greeted by the receptionist who told her that Dr. Cheung would see her shortly. Almost immediately she was invited in to take a seat while Dr. Cheung explained the procedure to her "So Mrs Jones your husband has booked you in for a flapaptimy", "I beg your pardon, a what?" asked Mrs Jones "A flapaptimy, have you not heard of this procedure it's all the rage with the older celebrities in Hollywood. Basically we are going to surgically enhance your vagina so that it's as tight and trim as it was before you had children, so we laser cut a bit here and tuck a bit there and walla all done in an hour and you'll be home for dinner tonight. I'll see you back here at 2:30 and we can get started."
    Well that sounds really nice she thought, here I was thinking it was a boob job or liposuction. So off Mrs Jones went to have lunch and a glass of champagne or two at her favourite restaraunt.
    So at 2:15 she arrived back at Dr. Cheungs offices and was told to put on a surgical gown and was wheeled through to a surgical room in the hospital. "Don't worry about a thing Mrs Jones the anaesthic will kick in before you can count to 10 and when you wake up you'll have a beautiful like new vagina.1.....2.....3...........4................5. ........................6......................... .............." and Mrs Jones was out.
    When she woke up she slowly sat up and had a stretch. A nurse then came around to ask how she was and to let her know that a few bunches of flowers had arrived. She looked at the first bunch and a card was attached to it which read "Hi honey Dr. Cheung rang to tell me know that everything went well and you'd be home tonight, can't wait to give your present a good going over ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Love Peter." Aww what a darling she thought.
    She then looked at the second bunch and opened the card which read "Just to let you know everything went very well and you should have no complications what so ever. Enjoy the rest of your b'day, yours sincerely Dr Cheung." What a nice considerate Doctor thought Mrs Jones.
    She then looked over at the third bunch of flowers and pulled the card out of the envelope and it read "Dear Mrs Jones happy b'day, it's my b'day to and you gave me the best present ever, thanks for the new ears little Timmy from the burns unit."

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